Now we're in the hospital due his blood pressure being at stroke levels. I think the highest I saw it was 235/128 (normal 120/60). He had to be air lifted to the hospital in Winston, I think I air lifted my car to Winston also;) oops!
Ty is now 10 months old and still behind physically. He still can't sit up, roll over and he really can't hold his head up the best. He hasn't been himself for about 8 weeks now with the surgery and different complications. I don't want to be around people we know with other babies because all I do is compared Ty to them, I know it's not fair to him but I can't help it. Oh! and I've gotten my tears back. There for a long time I felt so cold because I couldn't cry, when no one is looking that's all I do. I envy the parents with normal babies wishing Ty could be normal and not have to go through all this pain, IT'S NOT FAIR. That's what I keep saying, IT'S NOT FAIR. Why us God??? What did we do so wrong.
With Ty being in the hospital this time. I think back and wonder, "well if I went to church Sunday maybe he wouldn't be in the hospital" or "if i didn't let that curse word slip maybe he wouldn't be in the hospital". My temper has gotten worse, depression has set in, questioning is never ending. I hate feeling this way. I try to enjoy every moment I can get with Ty and Larry because I don't know when that may end. I hate that too, having to worry that I may not have forever with my lil guy. I know everyone has to worry about that but We do more so having a special needs baby. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, going from being pregnant and not knowing what the future held. Planning on having a normal baby and when that baby gets here your world crashing into a million pieces. Don't get me wrong Ty is the light of mine and Larry's life and we may not deal with it the way everyone thinks we should but we're dealing with it the best way we can.
Why God? Everyone asks that at some point of their lives. We question and ponder, think about it over and over again. The things is, we may never know WHY?
Larry and I are normal human beings and we are not perfect but we try our hardest to do the right thing and try our hardest to be the best parents we can be. Ty is a gift, a special gift and I would trade him in for a normal baby but I wish his life was easier and I wish I could take all of his pain away from him. I wish I was the one to have to go through all the surgeries and worries for the rest of my life, rather than him.
I am not a English major so this is not perfect grammar or perfect sentences or perfect whatever else. These are my feelings and emotions typed out real quick without even thinking about it. So don't judge, just love. Thank you for reading.
5 comments:
Megan,
You and Larry are wonderful parents!! God chose you to be Ty's parents and that is special! God chooses special parents for special children. Ty may not develop like everyone else but who does. We are all different and all born for a different reason. Ty has already touched so many lives and will continue to touch more. I love him because no matter what he faces that smile is wonderful and lets me know God is in control. I know he is facing problems but no problem is bigger than God. Keep your head up and your hearts in prayer! Please let me know if you need anything...you know I love to talk! Don't give up and remember that you are just as special in God's eyes as Ty, that is why you are his mother!!!!
<3,
Jennifer
Bless your hearts! We've been praying for you daily! I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, especially as young parents. But one thing I know Megan is that everything you are feeling is so normal...it IS ok to be human and have all of those feelings.
The other thing I know is that God has a plan in all of this. You don't have to see it, yet. you only have to have faith it is there...and it IS for good! As you get older you have had time to look back and see some of those plans and how HE did, and WHY HE allowed things to happen.
Right now just stay in the day, no more no less...and if need be...in the minute! Close your eyes and just call His name..He will come. When you feel that undeniable peace..you will know He is with you...and it will be ok. God knows how strong you are, and He also knows how much you're hurting. He is in control and all of this is NOT because you or Larry have done anything wrong. The spirit of love, life, and Gods amazing power have come through to so many of us. Gods grace through TY is touching so many lives!
Well, I didnt mean to be so wordy hun. Just know that you will be ok! You will make it through this! None of us are guranteed tomorrow. So just love on today...trust in HIM...and you never go wrong! If you ever need an ear (outside your circle) I am always here! We love ya girl! Hang in there!
Someday real soon we will be able to ask God, why? Someday real soon Jesus is going to nod over at Gabriel to sound the Trumpet of God. As we see the dead in Christ rising up out of their graves to go meet Jesus in the air, then we can start thinking of all the things we said we were going to ask God.
Today I just ask God to give you His peace, His Shalom.
Shalom my sister,
Adam Kane
Hey Megan, I have been worried about you guys and praying for you since your Dad announced in church on Sunday that Ty had to be flown to Winston because of his blood pressure being so high. I hope today has been better for you,Larry and Ty. We are praying for you guys daily that God heals Ty and wraps his loving arms around you and Larry and give you peace and comfort.
Your such an amazing Mom!! I don't pretend to know what your going through I cant even begin to imagine the pain and struggles that come with each day and every hospital stay. Your post is so amazingly honest and heart breaking and makes me wish there were some words of comfort I could offer to you besides hang in there God will get you through this. I do however understand totally Why God is this happening. I know that God does not put more on us than we can handle but sometimes I've just wanted to say ENOUGH Lord I have had all I can take. I really know how it is to be depressed and I do believe it is the worst feeling in the world. It takes away your hope and makes you feel hopeless and makes it hard to put one foot in front of the other and live daily. I got so depressed at one point that I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days to get the meds right just to feel halfway human again!
Hang in there! I can't even begin to know what your going through with Ty being so sick and having so many sugeries and his daily struggles.As a Mom this has to be the hardest thing you've ever gone through but at least your able to express your feeling and thats half the battle there. I'm sure your not being punished by God for anything you have done although I'm sure it feels that way It's just a scary place to be when your trying to figure out why your going through what your going through right now.
I just wanted to say that it takes someone really special to take care of a special needs child and God gives those babies to the special parents because I believe he knew you and Larry have the strength and faith that it takes to care for Ty. When I think of Ty and the last time I saw you guys at church I see the most beautiful smile that Ty has and the way Ty looks at you with that precious smile on his face. It is a beautiful thing to witness as you can see radiating off of Ty the love he has for his Mom and just how special you are to him. I don't think I have the words to describe how Ty looks at you mine are not adequate enough it's just beautiful and brings tears to my eye just thinking about it. I know I'm not wise enough to try to assume my words bring any comfort to you and I know you probably just know me from seeing me around church at times but I wanted you to know your not alone. There is a whole church family Sunday morning when the news of Ty was shared who shed tears for and with you and immediate prayers were prayed for you and Ty. Please just know that if you need a shoulder to cry on you can borrow mine anytime. God will get you through this even though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it because we are human and have those moments when we don't feel like God is walking beside us holding our hand getting us through the toughest days of our lives. I have rambled and probably made no sense when I just wanted to say Your a strong amazing Mother that I look up to and pray for because your doing what most people couldn't do and Ty, well he is just the cutest little thing in the world and hes going to take off one day and go from sitting up to running in the blink of an eye. He will do all those thing in Ty's time and your heart will swell with so much pride you'll think it's going to burst. Hang in there Megan. Your going to get through this I just know you will and your going to be even more amazing than you already are now!
I love you my sister in Christ and will lift you up to God in my prayers daily and know if ever there is anything I can do or anything you need I will do my best to get it done.
Renee Henson
I am so sorry. Life is so hard sometimes. Wondering why will drive you nuts. It breaks my heart that Ty is going through all of this. Please know that none of this is your fault. God will not throw anything at you that you can't handle. There is a purpose in all of this. Ty is beyond special. You and your husband are beyond special. Since I have first "met" you online, I have always thought to myself how positive you are - even through all of this. You are awesome. But, at the same time... let it out girl. Don't harbor your feelings. They are normal and there's nothing wrong with them. I am praying for you ALL!
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