Now we're in the hospital due his blood pressure being at stroke levels. I think the highest I saw it was 235/128 (normal 120/60). He had to be air lifted to the hospital in Winston, I think I air lifted my car to Winston also;) oops!
Ty is now 10 months old and still behind physically. He still can't sit up, roll over and he really can't hold his head up the best. He hasn't been himself for about 8 weeks now with the surgery and different complications. I don't want to be around people we know with other babies because all I do is compared Ty to them, I know it's not fair to him but I can't help it. Oh! and I've gotten my tears back. There for a long time I felt so cold because I couldn't cry, when no one is looking that's all I do. I envy the parents with normal babies wishing Ty could be normal and not have to go through all this pain, IT'S NOT FAIR. That's what I keep saying, IT'S NOT FAIR. Why us God??? What did we do so wrong.
With Ty being in the hospital this time. I think back and wonder, "well if I went to church Sunday maybe he wouldn't be in the hospital" or "if i didn't let that curse word slip maybe he wouldn't be in the hospital". My temper has gotten worse, depression has set in, questioning is never ending. I hate feeling this way. I try to enjoy every moment I can get with Ty and Larry because I don't know when that may end. I hate that too, having to worry that I may not have forever with my lil guy. I know everyone has to worry about that but We do more so having a special needs baby. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, going from being pregnant and not knowing what the future held. Planning on having a normal baby and when that baby gets here your world crashing into a million pieces. Don't get me wrong Ty is the light of mine and Larry's life and we may not deal with it the way everyone thinks we should but we're dealing with it the best way we can.
Why God? Everyone asks that at some point of their lives. We question and ponder, think about it over and over again. The things is, we may never know WHY?
Larry and I are normal human beings and we are not perfect but we try our hardest to do the right thing and try our hardest to be the best parents we can be. Ty is a gift, a special gift and I would trade him in for a normal baby but I wish his life was easier and I wish I could take all of his pain away from him. I wish I was the one to have to go through all the surgeries and worries for the rest of my life, rather than him.
I am not a English major so this is not perfect grammar or perfect sentences or perfect whatever else. These are my feelings and emotions typed out real quick without even thinking about it. So don't judge, just love. Thank you for reading.
